


The List.

by MsMelodyPond



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Possibly triggering!!!!!, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 06:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/949794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMelodyPond/pseuds/MsMelodyPond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean remembers the list he made a few months ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List.

He hasn't had a happy life. No hunter really has. But he wasn't completely miserable. In his 30+ years of life he learned early on that if he didn't focus on all the good, however small, he would go mad. 

Holding the list he'd made months go in his hands he tried to remember how happy he was. How these things kept him from driving his baby right off a cliff.

1\. When Lisa took him in.

That was one of the worst times of his life. Dean knew there was no version of reality were he, himself would get any sort of happy ending. But he always wanted more for Sam. He figured, it was worth all the fighting, the stress, and the apocolypse that was set on happening in one form or another, if Sammy lived to a respectable age. That was his only happy ending. The only thing that would make all the horrible thing that he had to do worth it. The one thing that he would, has, gone to hell and back for. His baby brother could have gone so far, and now that Dean has seen what this life has done to him, he regrets not letting his brother go to Stanford. Because then, he was more likely to live until 86 with twenty three grandkids and Jess at his side.

So when he jumped into the cage with Lucifer and Adam, Dean wanted nothing more than to jump in after him. But he promised he'd live the life his brother always wanted. And Lisa, bless her soul, took him in. She knew about Cas and Sammy and how he would never be able to stay if he could have either. She had every right to turn him away but she didn't. She took one look at him and gave him the biggest hug he'd ever recived. She invited him to stay and didn't let him go until she knew there was no getting him back. She made that year livable.

2\. When Sam got his soul back.

His baby brother, despite him always making stupid desicions, was a good person. He cared about people. And Dean was thankful to have him back. He couldn't concern himself with Bobby's distrust of him or Castiel's bitchiness. He had his brother back! And if he could remain ignorent of his memories of the pit it didn't matter what happened to him! 

3\. When Gabriel and Sam got together.

Gabriel, it turned out, was not dead. He popped in and out from time to time, staying only for about a week at a time. He teased Cas, broke a lot of lamps and flirted with Sam nonstop. At first it bothered Dean that his brother was being harassed by the most annoying angel ever but then he relized. Sam never looked irritated around him. He blushed whenever Gabriel 'accidently' landed ontop of him when he flew to see them. He even flirted back, on a good day, which had increased. As did Gabriels visits.

One day Gabriel popped in while Sam was out getting food or something. He sat down, looked Dean right in the eyes and said, "Your brother? I completely tapped that." And that's how he found out that Gabriel and Sam had been on and off since TvLand. 

While he was hesitent of the trickster/angel he could help the relief he felt. He knew Gabriel would take care of Sam.

He knew that Sam would be happy, if just for a little while. 

4\. When him and Cas got together.

Truth be told, he always loved Cas. He was confused innocence and that was something Dean has never had. He also took care of Dean. Which was another thing that was new to Dean. Dean took care of Sam his whole life with little to no help from his dad. The only person who had ever taken care of him was his mom. 

So he tried not to let Cas know that Dean was in love with him. But damn, it was hard. He protected him. Always. Even from his own brother, a few times. And in turn Dean always stood up to the jackasses upstairs for him. He loved him so much it felt like he could fall apart any moment and then Castiel would show up and look a him with his big blue eyes and frown at Dean without really even trying to. And everything was okay.

And even Castiel basicly tore his heart from his chest when he tried to become God and then ditched him for a demon he still loved his angel.

One day they were just hanging out waiting for Sam and Gabriel to get back when Castiel just leaned over and kissed him. And Dean thought, maybe his life didn't completely suck.

 

 

So here Dean was. List in his hand and tears in his eyes. He remembered all these things and couldn't stop sobbing. His baby brother was dead, Gabriel too. Same story with Bobby. He looked down at the gun in his lap, knowing his and Cas's mating bond would be the only thing that could end all this pain. He couldn't forgive him. Not for taking his family away from him.

 

August 20th, 2014. Dean Winchester was found dead in his car just off a Kansas highway.

**Author's Note:**

> I reread all of my work. A lot.  
> Is that weird?


End file.
